Focusing on What Works

When I first started this, I had intended to try to post something every day. I managed two days, got the feels, and walked away for a spell. Emotions are exhausting, and when you’re battling depression and anxiety it’s even worse.

What I originally intended is probably not what I’m going to end up with, but I am trying to move forward anyway. Part of me wants to beat myself up and quit simply because I didn’t meet a goal I set for myself. The healthy part of me says, “Who cares? It’s your goal! You can change it if you want!”

I have discovered that I definitely feel better in the spring. Winter really does have an impact on my mood and energy. This is something I really noticed this year. As soon as the days warmed a little and the light increased, I had more energy. I’m doing a lot better than I was in February. I still have difficult days, but I feel like I can rejoin the world.

I’ve been so focused on the negative lately that I have decided to spend today focusing on what works for me. Eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep. These things work for me, but I fight it every single day. I need to make it my routine, and I need an attitude adjustment!

I haven’t been very happy living in New York and have spent a lot of time whining about how I want to move back to Rhode Island. Moving is a tremendous pain in the ass, as well as expensive. I haven’t even been here for 2 years and feel like I’m sabotaging myself. I can choose to be happy anywhere that I am. It might be difficult, but I can start rewiring my brain.

What has been wonderfully helpful has been getting out and exploring. The weather has been nice, so I’ve been getting out and hiking. I bought myself an Empire Pass and started heading out. I live near several NY State Parks , so I have no idea why I didn’t do this sooner! I need to be out in nature. This is an absolutely stunning area scenically, and I have been a fool to not take advantage!

Recently, we were at Lake Minnewaska. If it is this beautiful on a chilly spring day, then I can’t wait for blue skies and sunshine to visit again!

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Another place that I have always loved is Storm King Art Center. My partner had gotten me a membership as a wedding gift in 2015 and has continued to renew it for me. I don’t know why I didn’t take advantage of it as much as I could have last year, but I’m not making the same mistake this year! I have been trying to go at least once a week since they opened for the season last month. It will get more difficult as the weather gets hotter, but this sculpture park is where I need to go to feel “right sized.” Knowing that this week would be a hot one, I did manage to get there yesterday.

 

Today, I will go to the gym. I will eat healthy foods. I will read a book. Today, I’m okay. I’m not perfect. I never will be, but I’m okay, and the only person I owe anything to is myself. I’m working on it.

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New and Unsure

Day 1

March 28, 2017

I used to love to write. When I was younger, I enjoyed writing poetry and short stories. I don’t know for sure when that stopped. I don’t know for sure why I stopped. I just know that it is something about myself that I miss, and I’m hoping that this will bring it back to me.

So, why blog? Why start today? Well, last weekend I was at a workshop in Rhode Island and had the opportunity to chat with an old friend. He knew I wasn’t working and was curious about what I was up to. I didn’t know what to say. Such a simple question, “What are you doing these days?” and I go into a tailspin! He saw my discomfort and tried to be encouraging. He said a lot of things, but the only thing I really held onto was, “You have to do something.” So, here I am doing something. Is that enough of an answer? I don’t know, but it’s all I’ve got at the moment.

These days I feel that I am a complete failure. I graduated with my masters degree in social work in 2012 and started working as an Organizer-in-Training with SEIU that same year. I wanted to be a macro practice social worker. I wanted to be out in communities helping to make change. Taking a job as an organizer made sense at the time, but it was a tremendous mistake, and I wish I had trusted my intuition and quit much sooner than I did.

I was a bit of a mess when I quit that job and needed to regroup. I took some time to pick myself back up. In the meantime, I filled my days with volunteer work. I was trying desperately to stay relevant.

In 2014, I took a couple of jobs as a campaign manager for two different campaigns. One was paid and the other was voluntary. The two campaigns were very different from each other. One was for a candidate running for the House of Representatives, the other was a ballot initiative. While the campaigns were different, there was a bit of overlap with who the players involved were. Rhode Island is a small state, so that’s to be expected. I don’t want to get into it too much in my first post, but let’s just say that I left that work feeling very jaded. It wasn’t as traumatizing as SEIU, but it definitely left me wondering what the hell I should really be doing.

I decided to get my clinical license in social work. In my heart, I wanted to work for a hospice agency, and to work for hospice you really need to get serious about being clinical, so I scheduled my test and started studying. I kept up with my volunteering and was beginning to feel like I had direction again. Confidence was returning. I was going to be alright. Life was making sense again.

Wow… I haven’t been writing long and I’m already feeling tired. I have stuff I need to do around the house, and I’d really like to get to the gym. I guess that’s enough for today, eh?